I have unsuccessful birthday parties and new friends with weird names.

In the house where I grew up, my mom sliced a few pepperoni pizza Hot Pockets into small squares. She also filled several glasses with ice and water. And we both thought -- until the guests started arriving -- that the spread was good and enough for my birthday party.

We ran out of Hot Pocket squares almost immediately and all the ice in the water melted in an instant. I also didn't know several of the guests who showed up, though I was really excited to meet a pair of Asian-American brothers who parked a tan Ford Explorer on the front lawn. When the guys came into the house, we introduced ourselves.

"I'm Arleen," I told them.

Then, they told me their names: Bimbo and Boob.

Then, I woke up.

- - - -

Had this dream last night. Double you tee eff?

MacGyver and I hang out in the woods.

In the woods at night, I watched a man I recognized (who in retrospect, I'm certain was MacGyver), throwing Pop Pop Snappers into trees, to scare the birds out of them and entertain the crowd of kids and adults that surrounded him. A feeling of de ja vu overwhelmed me.

"I've been here before," I told the man. "I recognize this." Then, amid the crowd, I noticed someone else I recognized: me, around a year and a half old, in a magenta dress, sitting on the ground, watching the man throw Pop Pop Snappers into the trees.

With a blown mind and a lot of excitement, I went right up to me, picked me up and carried me around. First, I tried to explain to me that "I am you, in several years!" Little me didn't understand. So I showed me to everyone else and said the same thing. But no one in the woods was as fascinated by little me's visit to the future and/or future me's visit to the past. Then, I woke up.

- - - -

Had this dream last night.

I have a defunct bicycle.

"I need a bicycle - STAT!" I said to my dad. Without one, I wouldn't be able to participate in the upcoming bicycle races organized by several of my classmates (past and present). So he agreed to find one for me. And he did. So with it and my bookbag, I drove to school and dragged the bike into a classroom where we would all get ready for the races. It had been years since I'd tried to ride a bicycle. I knew I should practice before the races, but I didn't want my classmates to notice if I struggled. So I sat still on the bike until the start of the first race. "...GO!" I grabbed for my bike's handle bars, prepared to pedal off, which is when I realized that my bike didn't have handle bars. It had a grip for each of my hands only attached to the bike by fishing line. By a lot of fishing line. I grabbed one grip each with both of my hands and stretched my arms straight up and off to both sides until all the fishing line was extended, and tight. Which is when I realized that pedaling a bike in this position is impossible. How can I see where I'm going when I'm so focused on keeping the fishing line taut? How can I pick up speed with my arms in the air? I called it quits so I could find another bike. By the time I did, one race remained. In this one, every participant would be connected to each other by one giant piece of string tied to each of us. I arrived so late, however, that nobody told me we'd all be attached by a piece of string. So as I started to pedal, I feld an awkward tug and I noticed the string tied in a tiny knot to my shirt. "What the...?" I grabbed the string and ripped it off my shirt, which meant I could finally pedal faster. Unfortunately, it also meant I'd disqualified myself and everyone behind me for being disconnected. Then, I woke up. - - - - Had this dream last night.

Guest dreamer: my dad.

This dream comes to us from the brain of my dad:

"While the toddler version of my 25-year-old daughter Arleen drove my car, I tried to slam on the brakes from my spot in the back seat. I somehow managed to actually slam on the brakes from the back seat, but it was too late. We still tapped the back bumper of the car in front of us.

That car's driver got out and saw that we caused no damage. No biggie, he said, and he drove off. Arleen started to drive off, too, but the stoplight we approached turned yellow. From the back seat, I slammed on the brakes again and reached up to put the car in park. When I did, the trunk popped open. So I got out to close it and hurried back to take over Arleen's position in the driver's seat. But it was too late. The light turned green before I got to the front seat and Arleen started to drive.

Then, I woke up."

- - - -

Hahaha! My dad had this dream last night.

I can't find my car.

I pulled up to a parking garage guarded by the Secret Service. Tired from my day of driving alone from Florida to D.C., I tried to find a place to park my car. After I did, I set off to the city on foot. I'd have to find Laurel, my best friend, who'd also driven to D.C. that day, but from North Carolina. We had plans to attend the new president's inauguration.

I walked.

And I walked.

And I walked some more.

When I couldn't find where the inauguration would take place, I walked back to the parking garage and approached the Secret Servicemen and women to ask for directions.

"We'll take you there," a couple of them said. So we walked through D.C., which looked a lot like a cross between a college campus and camp ground. We stopped at a mulch-covered, rope-surrounded parking lot. Just beyond it sat a building with a light on in the window and a crowd of people outside, many of whom I knew from high school, college and grad school.

"That's where you need to be," one of the Secret Serviceman said. "But we recommend that you move your car from the garage to this parking lot."

I resisted.

"We really recommend it," he said. "It only costs $2."

Fine, I thought. I'll move my car. The Secret Servicemen and women wandered away so I walked back to the parking garage alone. I walked inside, where I found a series of tunnels I didn't remember seeing when I'd parked. The first tunnel branched off into two at a fork. Those tunnels branched into three each. At the end of each tunnel, I had to choose from so many tunnels through which I should walk next in an effort to find my car. But I didn't recognize any of them. After walking forever and never finding my car, I realized I'd probably missed the inauguration.

Then, I woke up.

- - - -

Had this dream last night. I woke up really exasperated over the whole ordeal until I realized that a) it was a dream and b) I am in no way required to attend presidential inaugurations.

Guest post: Another of Sarah's dreams.

This dream comes to us from the brain of my friend Sarah:

Cuba Gooding Jr., Anthony Hopkins, and myself were filming The Silence of the Lambs. The only thing was, I was legitimately scared of Anthony Hopkins--I couldn't separate him from Hannibal Lecter. There was a scene in which Anthony Hopkins (as Hannibal Lecter) was bludgeoning Cuba Gooding Jr. in the head over and over again, and I remember I walked through the scene, sneaking past, and hoping Anthony Hopkins wouldn't spot me, and I was legitimately scared. Anthony Hopkins also couldn't separate himself from Hannibal, because he started to stalk Cuba Gooding Jr. when we weren't filming. After filming, I went to where Cuba Gooding Jr. works as a bartender when he's not acting, and pulled him off to the side to warn him about Anthony Hopkins. I said, "I just wanted to warn you about--" and Cuba Gooding Jr. cut me off and said, "--him?" and pointed to where Anthony Hopkins was sitting at the bar, his hair sticking up and looking all sorts of crazy, and a psychotic smile on his face. Then, I woke up.

- - - -

Sarah had this dream last night, after watching the Silence of the Lambs and an Oscar flashback of Cuba Gooding Jr.'s acceptance speech for Jerry Maguire. Check out her blog here.

One tire destroys my car.

I pulled into the parking lot, put my SUV in park and got out of the vehicle. I walked toward a building, but on the way, I heard something horrible.

BOOM.

I turned back toward the car to see what had happened. One of my tires had exploded, and in the process, shattered the windshield and landed on the passenger's seat, still in one piece but shredded.

Then, I woke up.

- - - -

Had this dream last night. Oddly enough, I woke up today to find that I had a nearly flat tire. So I spent some time at Goodyear getting it fixed. [Insert Twilight Zone theme song!] And in real life, I don't drive an SUV.

There are unique birds in my life.

A parrott named Cooper walked up to me and, much like a domesticated feline, rubbed against my leg.

Quickly, I learned that Cooper is known for being really good at acting like a cat. So good that for the entirety of the time I spent in his presence, one thought repeated in my head:

"I am so sure Cooper is a cat, but he really looks like a parrot."

Then, I woke up.

- - - -

Had this dream last night.

My friend's baby has got to be kidding me.

A friend of mine (we'll call her Gabby) adopted an asthmatic baby girl.

The time came for the baby to do the Nebulizer. So Gabby set up the machine and held the naked baby for the treatment, during which the baby pooped on my right leg.

Then, I woke up.

- - - -

Had this dream last night. Seriously, brain?

I come up with creative names for my friends' kids and pets.

Upon finding out a friend needed name ideas for a kid or a pet, I offered a suggestion:

"Why don't you name it 'Sir Madam'?"

Then, I woke up.

- - - -

Had this dream last night. It's a little vague because I don't remember which friend or whether he or she needed to name a kid or a pet, but I do know I definitely liked the name Sir Madam.

NKOTB gets in the way.

I walked through the mall and up to a camera store.

Inside, a colleague of mine who's a photographer prepared to give a talk on photography. He set up tripods and cameras. When a crowd formed in front of him, he started to speak. But after the New Kids on the Block came in, attendees were distracted. The crowd wandered off. And the photographer was pissed.

Then, I woke up.





- - - -



Had this dream last night.

Guest post: Sarah's dream.

This dream comes to us from the brain of my friend Sarah:

"I am sitting at a table on an outdoor patio at a cafe in Los Angeles. With me is an Asian woman who I don't know very well, but she registers in the dream as a friend. We're drinking chocolate cappuccinos, and we see Barats and Bereta walk up and sit at a table a few feet away. I have a huge crush on Barats, so I'm trying to look my best and get him to notice me. Out of nowhere, this fat, punk-type guy, Frank, comes up and starts to hand out thick cigarettes that are shaped like champagne bottles. They are also completely white and look more like joints, but they register in the dream as cigarettes. He's going from table to table, handing out cigarettes, and I'm getting aggravated with him because he's blocking my view of Barats and Bereta. Frank also scoops the foam off the top of my cappuccino and plops it on the table, which further aggravates me because the foam has all manner of chocolate sprinkles, chocolate dust, and chocolate syrup on it, and I wanted to eat it. He also does the same with the foam on my friend's cappuccino, but she doesn't seem to care. Frank then disappears, and it becomes night. I look up, and there's a hologram of Thomas the Tank Engine in the night sky.

"I hate Thomas the Tank Engine!" I say. "No matter what they did on that show it was always super super super super super gay."

"That's not how it works!" my friend responded, annoyed. "Let me go inside and call you."

I pull out my cell phone and wait for her call, but it never comes. All of a sudden, a G-Chat screen pops up in front of me and on it is a message from my friend: "I'm at a pay phone that doesn't get good reception."

Then, I woke up."

- - - -

Sarah had this dream last night. Check out her hilarious blogs here and here.

My mechanic steals my jewelry.

I noticed my broken necklace at the bottom of a paper bag.

"I should get this fixed," I said.

So I called the number for a jewelry repairman who turned out to be the same guy who changes the oil in my car. He showed up and spent some time alone with the necklace in another room. He got quiet, so I got concerned. I walked into that room to check on him.

Empty.

The guy and my necklace were gone. He stole it.

I was livid.

"You can get another necklace," somebody told me.

"I didn't even like that necklace," I said. "It isn't what's missing that bothers me. I'm mad because somebody stole from me."

Then, I woke up.

- - - -

Had this dream last night.

I have to take the pain.

In a seat at a salon with a plain white floor, I watched a woman prepare a thick needle with thick, black thread.

She was to sew half my face to the face of a woman who had lost function in half of her's. After she numbed the functional side of the other woman's face, she leaned toward my face to start sewing.

"HEY." I said. "How come you numbed her face but you aren't numbing mine?"

She paused.

"I can't," she said. "And it will sting, but just a little!"

And then I woke up.

- - - -

Omg. Seriously, brain? I had this dream last night.

My aunt's backyard has some history.

While I sat at a table with my Aunt Laura, she made an announcement:

"I have something to show you," she said.

She walked away and when she came back, she clutched a small, ornate and wooden box. She set it on the table gently.

"What is it?" I asked.

Slowly, she took the cover off the box to reveal its contents:

a finger.

"This is the finger of Shakespeare's father," she said. "I found it in the backyard!"

Then, I woke up.

- - - -

So. Weird. I had this dream last night.

Early morning dinner parties always get in the way.

Early on a Saturday morning, Sarah and I drove toward Orlando for a day trip to Universal's Islands of Adventure. On our way to the theme park, we stopped at a burly, red-bearded man's house. Though neither one of us knew him, he'd invited us to an early morning dinner party.

Upon our arrival, we sat around a table with him and his guests -- who included my mom -- none of whom particularly wanted to be there. After we ate, Sarah and I started for the door.

No such luck.

"Wait!" said actress Katherine Helmond. She picked up an out-of-tune guitar and performed an off-key song. When she finished, Sarah and I thought we were in the clear. We could finally go to the theme park.

"Wait!" said the burly, red-bearded man. "Can you help me?"

He turned to change the adult diaper of an adult dinner party guest.

"Sick! No way," I said.

Finally free to go, Sarah and I walked toward the front door.

"Wait!" my mom said. "We haven't done the dishes!"

I sighed. I turned toward the burly, red-bearded man.

"Do you need our help with the dishes?" I asked him, while shaking my head no in hopes he'd say no to appease me.

"Actually," he said. "I do."

So my mom, Sarah and I washed the dishes.

Then, I woke up.

- - - -

I had this dream last night. Sarah and I DID go to Islands of Adventure in real life today. But there were not, in fact, dinner parties or adult diapers.

I snooze, so I lose.

At a bar with shiny red stools and shiny white tables, somehow as sterile as a hospital, a man I'd just met asked me if I'd marry him.

He was in his 40s, and an eye doctor.

Though the proposal surprised me, I thought, "Why the heck not?" But before I could accept, Lisa Kudrow showed up, swooped in and shouted, "YES!"

Then, I woke up.

- - - -

I originally documented this dream upon waking up on July 20, 2010.

I have a cruel family...and cookies.

At home with my dad and my brother, I fell asleep in a recliner in the family room. When I woke up, I found that my dad and brother had tattooed an apple on my leg.

"Why on earth did you tattoo an apple on my leg without asking me first?" I shouted. "I didn't want an apple tattoo!"

I stormed into the kitchen, where I noticed a contraption on the counter. I immediately recognized it... as a cookie grill.

"This is new," I said.

"Yeah," said my brother. "I bought it at a garage sale."

Then I woke up.

- - - -

a. I originally documented this dream upon waking up on Feb. 11, 2009.

b. What the heck's a cookie grill?

I have some strange chauffeurs.

I sat down in the back seat of what may have been a limo. My team of chauffeurs slid into the seats up front:

Michael Myers from Halloween.

Jason Vorhees from Friday the 13th.

And...

Gumby.

Then, I woke up.

- - - -

Had this dream last night.

I too freely give out my phone number.

I stood across from a guy -- a cute one who had a great personality. We presumably just finished our inaugural conversation and decided to exchange phone numbers. As I gave him my number, I finally asked.

"What's your name?"

"Bucky," he said.

Dang, I thought. That's unfortunate.

I didn't have to ask for what turned out to be an even worse fun fact.

"And I'm 16," he said.

Then, I woke up.

- - - -

I originally documented this dream upon waking up on July 29, 2007. I was 22. And no offense to anyone named Bucky.